Sweet Nut

Q. Where's Maggie?
A. Oh... dear boy. Forget about her. She wasn't meant for this life.

Q. What did you do to her?
A. Hahaha... what did I do to her? She... she did this to herself. She let this filth, this world into her mind. She was so caught up with her TELEBOX and ETHERWEB that she didn't stop to see what was really going on.

Q. What are you talking about? What was really going on?
A. Her hair smelled like juniper... she could sing... ohhhh.... she could sing. She took everything for granted, her house, her family, her food, her clothes. She saw the world as it was on the TELEBOX, just scripts and actors and happy endings. She found love and excitement on the ETHERWEB. She found me.

Q. .....
A. *smirk* ...oh she found me. My avi was chillin' by a tree in 6 Barton 001026... the topic was "13 looking for bf"... how could I resist? Her avi was HOT... pink hair, black dress. She stood out from the crowd. We made our way through the tweens and found a house. I said, "How old is ya?" She said "I'm only 14." I took out my cyber-dick so fast and stuck it in her cyber-mouth. Fucked her face then her pussy... got a lil taste of that ass. Cyber of course. My nut never tasted so sweet.

Q. Wait, you drank your own nut?
A. *grumble grumble* *tongue flutter* *grumble grumble* *tongue flutter*

Fat Man With a Cattle Prod

There exists such a man that all food gravitates towards him.

Ethiopian boys are his skinny toys that squiggle and squirm towards the scraps on the floor. They flurry and fight for he shares no more than a crumb and a core. A crumb and a core... a crumb and a c - ZAP!! One got too close and the prod's healthy dose of electricity and fear found the one all too near... His soul saw the light, his body lifeless and white... one told the others and they knew he was right, for flesh was the smell they could smell through the night... truth rang loud, rang loud and with might, for the truth was told with that first single bite...

The man is fat, gluggonous, and queer - no man could accept his smell without sneer. He sits in a throne made of donuts and bone and once ate a baby fresh from the womb. He's surrounded by jars filled with toads and slugs, which he tosses in the air and eats with a SMASH!!

What is a sleep bot?

You don't like me, no? Like money, yes?

Q. Why do you dominate me?
A. Because it makes me feel powerful. I'm insecure and weak, I need to pad my ego with the knowing that I can bring pain to those weaker than me.

Q. Why the young?
A. Because they're smooth... supple... innocent, yes? They are the essence of beauty. They float around my head, tempting me with their fragile frames and innocuous innocence. When I drive by a school, I only think, "So many, so many. Yet I can have none." Why is this so?

Q. I'm asking the questions here, faggot.
A. That wasn't a question, faggot.

Q. Why do you question me?
A. Because you don't know yourself. You want to know yourself, or at least you think you want to know. But you are too scared to see how far the rabbit hole really goes. You know you are fucked up, everything about you is wrong. There is a seed in you, planted by a demon. It grows and burns and twists in agony, and you writhe with it's wretched glory. I love you, little demon boy, buried in my soul. But I hate you more than ever, you push my boundaries to the edge of legislature... for one day you shall wind me up in the JAILBOX. I wish not that place for no children go there, no children at all. Only mean old men, looking to hurt my smooth, supple body... so supple... so smooth. Why can't I have them? I am just like them, I swear. Years are not what defines a child, but it is the mind... for if the mind is like a child, then the person is like a child, and the child is. But when the mind is corrupt, and the mind is aware, then the person is not a child. The person is, a grownup. God speed Chris Hansen, God speed.

Q. Are you a pedophile?
A. NO. Of course not. How dare you make such accusations. I shall never solicit sex, never display my beautiful nudity to children. You, sir, are a sick, sick person. I am a child. And as such, children belong together.

Q. Can we switch subjects? You're scaring me.
A. But yes of course dear child. I do not want to scare you. I want you to be as comfortable as possible.

Q. Ok. Why can't you sleep?
A. I wish it would be as easy as to say "Well sir, that is because my darned sleep cycle is tainted!" But tainted not it ain't isn't. For only the mind is tainted. The mind goes and goes and runs and runs and never ceases to stop... if only there were a switch I could flip to power down. The only switches are pills, happiness, and suicide. For those I have none. I only have some Natural Lights and a bag of Freetos. These are the things of men... of champions. I should be so lucky to have my face on a bag of Freetos, "Mr. Wadsworth, Champion of Karma," with a spindle through my eye.

Q. What is this place?
A. Welcome, dear boy. This... this is the ethernet. The place that dreams are made of. This etherweb is composed of millions of kids in compartments, typing away, chatting, cybering, sharing, caring, masturbating, whining, wasting away in this digital debauchery. I knew this world was fucked when a 10 year old Phillipino girl's avatar walked up to my avatar and asked "Want to fuck me?" Of course I abided, but only for the sake of my own masturbation; however, whence her avatar began humping mine, unknowing the acts she was committing I asked, "Why did you ask me that?" And she replied "nvm. that what they always say." She was so innocent, so unknowing. These things she did, she only replicated, not knowing the meaning behind them. I asked her "Do you do these things in real life?" She replied "no, only in Gaia." (Gaia is an online tween paradise). At that moment I knew what I had to do. I finished masturbating and signed off.

Q. Well... what did you do?
A. For whence another day, dear boy... for whence another day.

Q. C'mon man, what did you do?
A. GROMMIT.

Q. ?

Q. And just like that... he was gone.

WoW Truck

Gotta love World of Warcraft.

PWNT by Pete - New Blog

Some videos that I really like are more painful than funny, but if any of you are like me, then painful is funny. So I've started a new blog called PWNT by Pete (there is a link at the side of my page as well). If anyone would like to see funny or painful videos they find posted on my blogs, email my with a link to the video and a description of what it is. I'll give proper credit to submitters and link to their sites if they'd like. I've already had one blogger ask for a video to be posted (Paintball Headshot on PWNT by Pete) and I'd love for more people to get involved.

My email is peter.godwin12 at gmail.com

Steps - Deeper Shade of Blue

Many of you might remember this one by Steps. Earlier this morning one of my female acquaintances was reminiscing about the good ol' days and showed me this video. She said she used to listen to this song and dance along with the music video. For some reason I think this video was a lot cooler a few years ago than it is now...

Anyways, this video is just way too gay to go unnoticed. God bless the 90's.

Star Wars Gangsta Rap

This is awesome; I have no idea how they got the voices to sound so perfect. The lyrics are superb, and all the characters flow like bad asses. Well, C3PO raps about some super gay shit, but come on, what did you expect?

Horny Animals

When animals do this stuff, everyone thinks it's funny. When I do this stuff, everyone calls the police. We live in a backwards world, damnit.

David Blaine Street Magic

David Blaine is one of the most amazing magicians of our time, but he is also the creepiest. This parody is brilliant in how it captures the essence of David Blaine...

Funny Animal Clips

I love animals and this video makes me incredibly happy. Well, except for the part where the dog gets cheated on. That's terrible.

Crazy Germans

This video recently went over 10,000,000 views on YouTube. The fact that the commentary is in German takes it to the next level of funny...

The Bezerker - No One Wins

I can't get enough of this video and this band. I can only imagine what kind of crazy shit they do to warm up for shows (smoke meth, sacrifice virgins, etc...)

This is Real

I don't care what anybody says, this is real and this kid had to die. Think of how terrifying it was for him to wake up right after he was launched. Awesome.

The Future is in the Hands of Our Youth

If that is the case, then God help us all...

Unforgivable Commercials

Fritz at his craziest - and youngest. This is the earliest footage of Fritz Stansson that I know of, and clearly, he's always been hilarious. One begins to wonder if Fritz and Hodge live with their parents in the suburbs; I believe they are outside in all these videos because they are afraid their parents are going to think they're nuts. I would be a little concerned if my son was angrily speaking about fucking and killing bitches and grabbing his friend "Orpheus's dick for him." Or I would think my son is hilarious.

• "You'ze a bitch, and I'm ain't."

• "You ain't no virgin, is you?"

• "Went to Home De-POT, saw a lot of bitches."

• "Took her to management and reported a problem."

• "...but I ain't never seen a bitch turn away a dick."

• "We was slangin' rock and drankin' forties like it wudn't nuttin'." (This is how I roll)

• "Look here BITCH.... we wanna run train."

• "I took out my nigga Orpheus's dick for him, put it in her pussy."

• "She was flabbergasted."

• "A bitch walked up..." (I say this one randomly with no coherent context, I don't know why I think it's so funny)
  

• "I'll show you what I like... went out to the shedhouse, got a chainsaw, came back in, hacked her brain in two pieces, picked it up, ate it, threw it up, took her to the family..."

• "I took out my knife, cut off her nipples, made her give me head, took a crap in her face, loved her, hated her, blew her brains out."
  

Unforgivable #4

The last and final episode from the Unforgivable series (don't worry, there's extra footage coming in my next post). Fritz Stannson is at his best; he clearly has improved his improv skills from the earlier episodes. Most of the Unforgivable quotes I use in day to day conversation originated here...

• "Wassup, ya CUNT."

• "I'm looking for some pussy and some cunt and some butthole."

• "He was from high school - PISSIN' ME OFF." (favorite quote of all time)

• "Nigga what sport you play, you lil' panzy?"

• "I took him by hist wrists. Cut his wrists. Cut 'em. Vertically."

• "He was on the floor dyin', makin' a scene."

• "I'm 'bout to call Bovice, we 'bout to run train on you bitch!" (brilliant)

• "Of course he abided."

Unforgivable #3

I think this is the funniest of the entire series. It's short, sweet, and fucked up - just the way I like it.

• "You know with Bovice involved."

• "Lil' cunt, I know she is."

• "Kinda nervous sounding, made me pissed off."

• "You ain't gonna be no virgin after tonight." (I find myself saying this one a lot)

• "Go back to sleep nigga if you know what's good for you - nigga dozed off real quick."

• "Listen bitch, it's your time to lose that v-card, hand it over."

Unforgivable #2

Here is the second episode in the Unforgivable series...

• "Can I spend the night tonight, and for two weeks straight?"

• "I got there, round 7 o'clock - pissin' me off."

• "Went out on the porch - SMOKED A BAG OF METH. Then I smoked a lil' crack after that."

• "Bitch, that's just my B.O."

• "I'm gonna make 'em make me sandwiches all night."

Unforgivable

The Unforgivable series is a classic. The only way I can do myself and my blog of funny internet stuff justice, is to start out with the Unforgivables. I've wasted hours of my life reciting parts of these back and forth with my friends and family - I can only hope you've done the same. If not, it's never too late to get started. Here is the first Unforgivable...

Here are some of my favorite quotes from this episode, feel free to add more:

• "I want a chicken sandwich and some waffle fries...for FREE."

• "Bitch who told you to sit down? You better wait for my request."

• "Bitch you ain't no nerd?"

• "Hold on bitch, you better not have no brother."

• "Well I have two [brothers]. Bitch, that's a mistake."

• "She took it to a new level, started jackin' me off while she was suckin' my THANG."

• "I gotta nut - yea - I gotta nut, so??"

• "I nutted in her pussy, got her pregnant!"